Hi all! A few people have asked me about my query letter for These Deathless Shores, so I thought I’d post it here—first as sent, and then with some annotations.

Dear [Agent Name],

I saw on your Manuscript Wish List that you were looking for adult fantasy from underrepresented voices, and am excited to submit These Deathless Shores (approx. 109,000 words), a Malaysia-inspired, genderbent Captain Hook origin story that will appeal to fans of She Who Became the Sun by Shelley Parker-Chan and Vicious by V. E. Schwab.

Jordan has gotten good at pretending.

On an Island where boys fly and fight pirates, but girls can only be mothers, Jordan’s shaved head and false swagger are the only things keeping her adopted crew of Lost Boys from forcing her into a role she has never wanted. When she gets her first period, she’s exposed and thrown back Outside—into a world where grown-ups die slowly in offices, flight is a fantasy, and withdrawal from the Island’s magical Dust slowly strips its afflicted of their dignity.

To Jordan, it’s a fate worse than death.

Nine years later, when the drug she has been using to medicate her withdrawal begins to show its fatal final symptoms, Jordan persuades her best friend and fellow ex-Lost Boy to return with her to the Island. With the help of a temperamental pilot and [redacted], she sets in motion a plan to oust Peter from his throne and seize control of the Island’s Dust supply.

But Peter isn’t the only malevolent force moving against her. As Jordan confronts the nature of Dust, first love, and the violent legacy carved into the land itself, she realizes the Island may have plans of its own.

I am a Rhysling-nominated Malaysian American poet and writer with work published in Strange Horizons, Fantasy Magazine, and Tor.com, among others. I attended Viable Paradise in 2019 and am a first reader for khōréō, a speculative fiction magazine featuring immigrant and diaspora authors and stories.

I parted amicably with a previous agent in 2019. This manuscript has never been on submission.

Thank you so much for your consideration!

All the best,

Phoebe Low
(writing as P. H. Low)

Some comments:

Dear [Agent Name],

• To state the obvious, spelling their name right will make a good first impression 🙂
• If you choose to use a salutation, double check the agent’s pronouns.

I saw on your Manuscript Wish List that you were looking for adult fantasy from underrepresented voices, and am excited to submit These Deathless Shores (approx. 109,000 words), a Malaysia-inspired, genderbent Captain Hook origin story that will appeal to fans of She Who Became the Sun by Shelley Parker-Chan and Vicious by V. E. Schwab.

• Personalization doesn’t have to be super complicated; for me it’s just “I saw on [MSWL / Twitter / Publishers Marketplace / QueryTracker] that you were looking for [XYZ thing that applies to my book].” I also queried without the personalization and didn’t notice a difference in responses.
• Metadata—word count to the nearest thousand words, brief one-sentence pitch (though a description is fine here too, e.g., “a historical romantasy,” “a YA thriller”
• Comp titles: Conventional wisdom is that least one comp should be relatively recent, e.g., published in the last five-ish years, to show the agent that you have a sense of the current market. I’ve heard that TV shows and movies are fine as well, and I have a friend who may have comped an album.
  • If you want to be more specific, you can also describe what about your comps is reflected in your book—e.g., “the gender feelings of She Who Became the Sun and the revenge plot and superhero trope commentary of Vicious“
• Sometimes people put this paragraph at the end of the query letter (before the author bio), which is fine.
• Please do not say your book is the first in a planned a fourteen-book series—trad publishing does not currently (that I’ve seen) tend to buy series with more than three books at a time, unless the author is extremely credentialed / established; “standalone with series potential” or “planned duology / trilogy” is fine.

Jordan has gotten good at pretending.

• I came of age reading V. E. Schwab; obligatory snappy first sentence that raises a question about what’s to follow (optional)

On an Island where boys fly and fight pirates, but girls can only be mothers, Jordan’s shaved head and false swagger are the only things keeping her adopted crew of Lost Boys from forcing her into a role she has never wanted. When she gets her first period, she’s exposed and thrown back Outside—into a world where grown-ups die slowly in offices, flight is a fantasy, and withdrawal from the Island’s magical Dust slowly strips its afflicted of their dignity.

To Jordan, it’s a fate worse than death.

• Sets up the premise and emotional stakes for the main character (what do they have to lose)
• A common issue I’ve seen with queries (and sometimes in the pitch letters I am continuing to write myself (；´∀｀) is getting too into the weeds with worldbuilding without focusing on the characters, and/or trying to work in all the characters and explain how they relate to each other. Even if a book is multi-POV and the characters are working together as a unit (e.g., Six of Crows, Jade City), it’s often snappier / more efficient to stick to mentioning only one or two MCs by name, or refer to the group as a whole.

Nine years later, when the drug she has been using to medicate her withdrawal begins to show its fatal final symptoms, Jordan persuades her best friend and fellow ex-Lost Boy to return with her to the Island. With the help of a temperamental pilot and [redacted], she sets in motion a plan to oust Peter from his throne and seize control of the Island’s Dust supply.

• I think of this as kind of the “inciting incident” for the “present” plot—which is kind of late for a query letter but I felt was necessary re: first explaining, in the previous paragraph, how the book was subverting Peter Pan tropes.
• With fantasy in particular, I’ve often seen a temptation to put in too many Proper Nouns™. A good rule of thumb is that if they only show up once in the query and/or can be referred to in the generic sense (“MC’s lover” vs. “Steve,” if Steve is otherwise secondary to the plot; “a host of competitors” vs. “teams from the Snarglewall, Warglefell, and Fargleball factions,” etc.), it’s usually a good idea to at least consider the generic referent, especially as most agents are reading relatively quickly. This is employed above re: “best friend and fellow ex-Lost Boy” and “temperamental pilot and [redacted],” which conveys that there will be secondary characters in Jordan’s “crew” without bogging down readers with specific names—even though each of these characters has a POV in the book itself.
• “A plan to oust Peter…and seize control of the Island’s Dust supply”—a more concrete statement of MC’s goals; indicates the direction of the plot beyond the inciting incident.
  • Also note that the query letter does not have to be completely accurate to the plot. Jordan doesn’t actually formulate a plan to oust Peter right away—she starts off just wanting to get Dust, and comes to revengey bits later in the book—but I condensed here for pitching purposes.

But Peter isn’t the only malevolent force moving against her. As Jordan confronts the nature of Dust, first love, and the violent legacy carved into the land itself, she realizes the Island may have plans of its own.

• Complications paragraph (which can be longer, depending on the story)—describes other major obstacles the MC might face, to, again, point at the direction the book will take overall
• “As Jordan confronts…” hints at themes / character arc
• “The Island may have plans of its own”—the query letter does not have to spoil the book! I tried to make this read more like cover copy.

I am a Rhysling-nominated Malaysian American poet and writer with work published in Strange Horizons, Fantasy Magazine, and Tor.com, among others. I attended Viable Paradise in 2019 and am a first reader for khōréō, a speculative fiction magazine featuring immigrant and diaspora authors and stories.

• It is *extremely* okay to not have other publishing credits! In that case you can just say “this is my first novel.”
• Other things that could be mentioned here: if you have an MFA (though, unless you’re in litfic and went to Iowa, it doesn’t make a big difference either way); if you have a job and/or hobby that is relevant to the subject matter of the book.
• Another pitfall I’ve seen is mentioning that you’ve loved writing since you were five—keep the tone friendly but relatively professional.

I parted amicably with a previous agent in 2019. This manuscript has never been on submission.

• Speaking from my own and various writing friends’ experiences, I’m not sure if previous representation speeds up the search for new representation unless you’ve already contracted for a book. However, agents do want to know if editors who they might potentially submit to have already seen the manuscript.

Thank you so much for your consideration!

All the best,

Phoebe Low
(writing as P. H. Low)

Some Querying Resources

• Query Shark—hundreds of query letters with feedback; some have revisions. This was where, as an intern, I originally learned what to read for in query letters.
• Goodreads—reading back cover copy can be super helpful; I based mine off the bcc for Vicious because of the timeskip element.
• Query letters from Mike Chen (with agent commentary), Ann Leckie, Seth Dickinson